Changing of the chapters

My children are rapidly approaching my height and my son already has surpassed me in shoe size. When he walked into the family room this morning, my heart swelled with love. Observing how the sleeves of his hoodie are all of a sudden too short and how his new jeans are now looking more like capris. He has a bit of swagger these days, longish hair in his eyes and a whiff of body spray deodorant follows him wherever he goes. He smiled and gave me a loose teenager hug. My heart overflowed even more. If only he could know what it feels like to be his mom and watch his transformation right in front of my very eyes. He texted me from downstairs that he was off to catch the bus. "ILY mom, hope you have a good day." Whew these years have flown by.

My daughter's hair is longer than mine now and she has a newfound interest in the beauty supplies on my shelf in our bathroom. Sometimes I see her cheeks sparkle with my rose blush. This week marked the start of club volleyball and all of a sudden her schedule is full to the brim. Sports, clubs, coding class, 4H. She texts her friends as soon as she gets home from anywhere and this morning I found a silly selfie she took with my phone last night. My eyes filled with happiness when I saw her smiling face. She looked to be about 17 and it felt something like a preview. Most nights she still wants to snuggle with me and brings her book into my room so we can read together. Mornings are a bit of a different story and I have been hearing "Mom, I've got this!" quite often. I am learning to back up but it is a bit disorienting, this business of raising preteens and teens.

How do I ask them to be patient with me? For so long my life has been theirs.

The majority of my adulthood thus far has been primarily focused on raising my children. My number one dream was to be a wife to a wonderful man and a mama to a little boy and a little girl. To live in the mountains and raise our kids with adventures, animals, wagon trains, Lake Michigan trips, family reunions. Dirt roads and dirt bikes.

Mission accomplished, at least this far. I'm happy with how it has gone and look forward to learning all about this new phase of parenting.

Now that my kids are growing up, pushing away, pulling back (as they should be) I can see how my role is naturally changing. My life's focus is shifting. My days are opening up and there is energy for new dreams. My health is mostly steady and I don't have massive demands on me right now. To be honest, it feels super weird. I didn't know I would get to this spot as quickly as it feels I have reached it in regards to raising kids. While I am incredibly grateful to have been a stay-at-home parent all of these years, there are layers of other feelings that trickle in such as feeling far behind and massively lonely. It was easier in some ways when I was the mom to littles and my days were filled with playdates, snacks, keeping up the house, nap time, etc.

I am so glad my family has done things the way we have. I didn't miss many moments of being there while my kids were small and live with few regrets. But being the stay-at-home parent also meant that my identity was wrapped up tightly to my kids. Now that they are growing up I am being invited to discover what I want to do with this next new chapter of my life.

Lately I have found myself rattling around in my head, wondering if what I really want to do is realistic. Can I take beautiful photos, create soulful artwork, uplift other people and make a living that helps me provide for my family? Can I be satisfied in my work when the world tells me I need to do something "practical"? I am realizing I am not necessarily here to be practical....

Time has always felt incredibly precious and I have been keenly aware of how I choose to spend it. In the past I remember just wanting to die when working jobs that held no soulful delight. Chained to a desk doing busywork, I remember thinking I would rather be poor than be owned. It felt like a waste of life energy and time.

How can I stay inside when there are raindrops to dance with? Sunlight to see. Birds to fly over me. How can I miss the hue of the sunset or the clouds drifting past? The neighbor's fresh calves walking on new legs. The light shining through the tops of the long grass. The way the trees bend in the breeze, gently telling me it's ok to be here. That everything is right on time.

I am a dreamer, a chaser, a pursuer of the unseen. In love with the magic of the sunrise, the tangle of the vines and the twists of the river. The whisper of the trees. The song of the flowers. I am forever fascinated by consciousness, life, death, soul families, sacred contracts. God. The stars, the phases of the moon and their effects on our experiences. Oftentimes I am quiet. An introverted observer. Rather unsure of how to hold "normal" conversations. But I am absolutely delighted when I discover that someone is interested in the same things as I am and find I can talk for hours. My mom calls me a mystic. My husband calls me an angel. One thing that I know for sure is that I signed on for a very fascinating, deeply spiritual life experience for my time on earth. While it has been a challenge to figure out exactly what to do with it in a work sense, I am learning that there is no "wrong way" as long as I am listening to the deep wisdom within me.

The voice of wild peace.