It's been a long time since I have felt 100% healthy.
Four years if I'm counting.
And within those four years I have experienced exponential growth. It's been a life altering acceleration of my depth of field and a gigantic opportunity for reconstruction.
Soul excavation is what I like to call it. Has this happened to you, too?
Deep down I have known that getting sick was the best thing that has happened to me, even with the massive hardship that ensued. I don't always appreciate being sick, I mean who really enjoys not feeling well? But I have had this glimmering thread of knowingness throughout the whole ordeal that says: this is really about something exceptionally beautiful and it is worth every step.
I have actually really enjoyed observing the internal process that has taken place on my journey to get better. It's been a front row seat to a fascinating show. Afterall, I have always been interested in natural healing. Cool to watch it happen within yourself.
Throughout the 9 month brain rewiring course I took last year, I deepened my knowledge of German New Medicine and the importance that nervous system health plays in one's recovery. When you are ill your attention oftentimes is only on getting better. Laser-beam focus on reclaiming your health in order to get back to your life. There really isn't anything more important than being able to live your life, right? But if you are hyper-focused on getting better, that alone keeps your nervous system in fight-or-flight and won't allow for the body to repair itself in the parasympathetic phase.
Hyper-vigilance of any kind sends warning signals to your body thus halting innate healing. You really must address your nervous system in order to get healthy. You have to take a deep dive into the stories that you are running. The subconscious modes of operation that you carry from things that happened in the past. I'm talking about being afraid to eat bread because your body associates bread with childhood trauma. About being afraid to speak because you learned it helped you survive when you were the "easy child." About not allowing yourself to make mistakes because you associated perfection with safety. Or the real reason behind your addiction to coffee: you are more familiar and comfortable in fight-or-flight mode and therefore crave caffeine to induce the familiar state of unrest.
Those subconscious fears are running your life and massively affecting your ability to heal.
Inner child work and shadow work offer the biggest gift: creating safety in your body.
Fear must be resolved and that includes your fears about your symptoms. No more body scans upon waking, no more late night panic-googling, no more outsourcing your health to someone else or looking at statistics that cause you to give up hope. You must learn how to trust your body and come to know what true healing looks like.
Your body does not make mistakes.
But your body has to feel safe to heal. And in order for your body to feel safe, your mind has to feel safe.
This brings me to something I've been thinking about recently. Throughout my healing journey I have experienced profound inspiration. The uncomfortable squeeze of mysterious breathing issues invited me to look at the sky with news eyes. To slow down enough to see the garden grow right in front of me. To write poetry about the feathers I find and the way the breeze feels upon my face. It offered me a chance to come back to life as a lighter, freer, more alive version of myself. To reclaim myself. All sounds glorious, right? Except that fear is such a sneaky, relentless little bugger and pops in any way it can. My most recent revelation is that because being sick created the biggest growth spurt of my life and flung the doors right open into what is possible in this world, on some level I have actually been afraid to become fully healthy in case that glorious cosmic conversation fades away.
Do I only receive the inspiration and divine connection when I am fighting for my life?
The answer I keep receiving is this:
You get to keep the magic because you are the magic.
The intelligence of the cosmos shines through your eyes.
You are not separate. You are the stars.
It is time to trust and it is safe to shine.
This entire experience has been my soul's way of teaching me how to trust. To trust my body and to find my own faith. To hold hands with the universal mystery and leap into the abyss, knowing I will be caught time and time again. To show me that in order for full healing to happen, I have to learn how to move throughout life carrying this knowledge:
That no matter what happens I will forever and always be supported.
It is time for the symptoms to fade for I believe I have finally grasped the entirety of what I needed to learn. I am no longer scared that the inspiration will fade because I am it. The messages flow and the plants speak and the light pours into my life in every single way possible. I have freed myself. I am grateful for the growth and the experience of embodiment. What a contrast it has shown me from the life I led before getting sick to the life I get to live now.
I am no longer afraid and that is the exact medicine that I have been searching for this whole time.
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