This wild ride I've been on for the past 2+ years continues to teach me important lessons.
Today I had a tele-med appointment with a kind, compassionate and excellent listener. He asked me questions that no one has ever asked. Questions like "Does the anxiety start in your physical body, then your thoughts begin to spin? Or is it the opposite, the spinning thoughts can cause physical symptoms? Do you have nightmares of uncontrollable bleeding or random feelings of panic? What thoughts go through your head at 1AM when you can't sleep? Tell me about how other medications have made you feel."
He spoke with gentle kindness and asked me if I had ever felt low. If so, how low? I began to cry. Chronic illness is a doozy. A giant mix of emotions. A sprinkle of worthlessness and frustration with a hefty dollup of isolation. A spiritual evolution with very earthly repercussions. A life turned upside down. An enormous soul expansion. A painfully slow birth process.
Patience child, patience.
With confidence and deep compassion, he assured me that these are all normal reactions to what I have been through. He admired my positive approach and my hopes to help others with my profound firsthand education. He spoke less of anxiety and more amount PTSD. Had I considered that this might be what I am experiencing? Yes, I have thought about this. But life keeps rolling and the hills and valleys of mold illness are quite monumental. The high points are saturated with gratitude and relief, sometimes stretching for glorious weeks upon weeks teasing me that this might just all be over. While the lows are grief stricken and exhausting, seemingly smacking me from out of nowhere. The surprise factor of a resurgence of symptoms isn't enjoyable or very reassuring for my nervous system.
Do you ride this rollercoaster, too?
He outlined a variety of next steps and emphasized that it is completely up to me. We meet again in a couple of weeks and I am grateful for his depth of understanding and expertise. He understands. It felt so healing to be seen and deeply listened to. To have my experiences named and to know it's not just in my own mind. I think trauma comes in as many shapes and sizes as people do.
If only others knew how hard it is to have your health fall apart. To look alright on the outside, but to be crumpling on the inside. When others ask how you've been doing and the answer would take far too much energy to truly explain, so you reply with a quick little something and change the subject.
Have you had this experience?
Rigidity isn't something I was aiming for. In fact, it is quite the opposite of how I'd like to live my life. But it became essential for my survival throughout all of this. It's estimated that half of the buildings in the US are contaminated with toxic mold and avoidance is the MOST important aspect to healing oneself. Hyper-vigilance becomes your best friend and your only key for regaining health. New linens, clothing, books, food, carpeting, etc. Literally new everything. And how do you know if the "new" items came from a contaminated shipping container? You don't until you have symptoms. This alone is enough to make someone panicky. Herein lies the work of calming my nervous system, releasing control and asking for assistance in the many ways assistance can show up. It’s a delicate dance I am learning. Freedom is the goal.
A constant state of fight or flight is a challenging place to pull yourself out of, even with all of the brain-retraining, meditations, coaching, counseling and prayers. Once your limbic system has become activated and stuck "on" you truly have to work everyday to teach it that it is safe enough now to turn off.
Limbic system brain retraining looks like this for me:
DNRS rounds (Dynamic Neural Retraining Systems)
quiet, slow, low impact days
sunshine
magnesium
deep tissue massage
absolutely no news/media and very limited social media
mindful food and mindful movement
not driving on icy roads
no caffeine
listening to inspiring and peaceful music (Enya is my favorite)
journaling, meditating, praying
energy healing sessions
taking a course on intuition (this is the best course I have ever taken)
This work is slow and repetitive and important.
It is insightful.
It is essential.
It is take-it-down-to-the-bones-and-start-anew type of work.
This is the work I am doing.
#wildpeacewellness #butyoulookfine #PTSD #toxicmold #healingtrauma #massivebleeding #massivehealing #CIRS #blackmoldpoisoning #DNRS
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