Yesterday my husband fired up our antique desktop computer from 2008. We hadn't powered it on in over 5 years but somehow it had followed us along on all of our moves despite my many attempts at getting rid of it. It's heavy, awkward, bulky and hardly even works. But he remembered that it held quite a few old videos and pictures and had high hopes of restoring the old beast. Yesterday morning it worked flawlessly and the four of us gathered around to see what we could find.
Oh, my heart.
Video after video streamed from the screen. My babies as newborns, toddlers and preschoolers. Their sweet small voices hardly interpretable with their cute lisps and own little languages. Johnny Jump Ups, stroller walks, dancing in the bathtub covered in suds. Painting on the deck, eating snacks in the Hippo chair. Watching as they hunted for their Easter baskets and squealed in delight as the found them. My husband's kind voice narrated as he captured some of the moments. My kind voice captured the others.
There is a certain depth of presence when you are in the thick of it while raising tinies.
For a few years, the entire world was inside our four walls. Breakfast and playing, lunch and naps. Dinner and bath time. Books before bed. Seeing myself in those videos I noticed such tenderness in my face. Tired, yes, but so full of love. My voice was music to my children as I asked them about their day, counting, colors, their favorite toys. The sparkles in my eyes were reflected right back to me from theirs and I'm so glad to have taken those videos.
How does time go so impossibly slow then so impossibly fast just a few years later?
In the brand new office, the four of us watched video after video. I sat on my hubby's lap and the kids draped their arms over us. Eventually I stepped away to go make breakfast and get ready for the day. My head was spinning as the memories sloshed around.
Yesterday was a big day: we were moving into our new bedrooms downstairs! Our tiny home living days are over and our barndominium has come to fruition. (Thank you HUBBY!!!!!)
As I washed the walls and mopped the new floors I noticed a heaviness in my heart. Time is such a funny thing and those baby days didn't feel very long ago. But here we are much older and somewhat wiser and I feel so different. With each streak of the washcloth the wall became brighter and clearer as pangs of grief washed over me. I didn't know why. I had been a present mother. A really good mama. Truly doing the best job I could back then and still going strong now. No regrets here.
So why the grief?
Wringing out the wash rag and climbing back up the ladder it hit me: I was grieving my old self. That beautiful young mother with the soft face and delicate heart. The one who had many more adventures to partake in, who had more heartbreak to face, and who had just lost her own father.
She didn't know what I know now and it showed.
You and your best friend break up. It hurts beyond belief for the both of you and you feel awkward in your shared small town for over a year. You move two more times in that same small town before realizing the ranch you love doesn't really love you back. Dreams shatter and your family changes directions. Synchronicities abound and up you go to an enormous new ranch with grizzlies and wolves and new lessons to teach. After a year, that ranch decides it doesn't love you either and gives you 60 days to find a new life.
You get tired and beyond exhausted but you are well on your way to becoming authentic.
Each strike to your system forges a stronger and wiser you.
Your family temporarily lives in a friend's guest house in the woods near the beloved pioneer school your kids attend. You dub the house "the Baby Cabin" giving a positive twist to the teeny cabin that smells like moth balls and dead mice. Life is an adventure and you were pretty good at rolling with it by then. But were you ever ready to hold still for a moment.
The job you land makes your heart sing and you are happy in the kitchen preparing food for the school children. But in just a few short months the job makes you sicker than you ever thought possible. Unable to breathe or think straight, you keep going. Taking care of your family and desperately trying to take care of yourself.
You buy your first official place. Tightly sandwiched in between two other houses on a paved road in a nice neighborhood, it is far from your dream home. You signed the papers but your heart wasn't in it. The house was just a bandaid. A holding ground to try to gather yourself after the dryer cycle of life had tumbled you around and around and around.
Another move and more health hurdles to maneuver, you finally reach a soft place to land. It is in the form of 16 rolling acres with a big shop and a small brand new one-room apartment upstairs. Sunshine streams in almost everyday and the windows face endless grassy fields. Heart shaped rocks are everywhere you look. There is privacy and space to breathe and room for your family to be. It feels exciting outside and inviting inside and most importantly the property offers the opportunity for your family to feel like yourselves once again.
To find solid ground under your feet for the first time in a very long time.
Your first surgery is a botched attempt at fixing your breathing and several ER escapades ensue just after you move in. Any remaining residue of that sweet innocent self washed away right along with a huge percentage of your own blood. Your near death experience is significant. A distinct end of one phase and the beginning of a very new chapter. It is terrifying for all of you and quite an ordeal to recover from.
However it is the missing piece of the healing pie.
Your heart begins to burst open unabashedly and you learn about god. You meet a few angels and the sky begins to share its secrets with you. Layers upon layers of your old self fall away and you watch in the mirror as you shapeshift into the truest form of yourself to date. You start to write from your heart and the words flow out with such beauty and velocity that you surprise yourself on a regular basis.
A life review occurs and you ask for forgiveness in the places that still ache. You own your mistakes and offer apologies to others and to yourself. Lighter and lighter your being becomes and you find humor in the day to day occurrences of life. Music sounds richer and food tastes better. You celebrate the sunrises and sunsets as your practice of presence and once again take delight in being here on earth.
While the sweet young mama of those two tiny babies in the photos remains in my memory, she is here no longer. I hold such love and respect for her. Gratitude for her endurance. Deep appreciation for her dedication to regain her health and the willingness to do the work it has taken to become who she is today.
For in the work of this life lays the jewel among jewels:
The ability to truly love oneself.
Understanding that God is in each of us.
And that we are all deserving.
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