On Monday I had my jaw adjusted at the chiropractor. It was the second time I've had it done and it didn't disappoint. I've experienced jaw tension and TMJ ever since I was a kid and have chewed through a variety of protective splints over the years. Like a gentle and swift karate chop to the head, my jaw went back where it belongs and so did so much more.
For the remainder of the day I was wiped out. My bed invited me back in and I accepted. Curled up in my black sheets with the mountains out the window, I took two naps and still managed to fall asleep easily at night, sleeping 10+ hours.
The next morning I woke up early with new alignment and a desire to stretch. I went to my yoga room (aka the bathroom) while my family was still asleep in the quiet hours.
As I moved through my routine, I was flooded with imagery of my ancestors and was presented with an image of a tube that was ending with me. It was clear that I was the endpoint, like a dam: strong, steady and capable.
As I traced backwards the energetic pressure that was pushing against me, I could see it move to my father, split to his parents, split again to their parents. Like the branches of a tree or the shape of a human lung.
I saw my grandmother as a young woman, doing the best she knew how to do even though the end result was an emotionally damaged son, my dad. I saw her tears of regret and the profuse apology in her eyes for her own shortcomings.
I saw my grandfather moving through his life, working to overcome a childhood of poverty, stress and instability. I saw him as a young father doing his best to provide for his family, yet unintentionally inflicting deep wounds of fear and shame within his young son, my dad.
I saw their humanness. Their shortcomings, imperfections, mistakes and bravery. I saw them in all of their phases and somehow was able to take in the complete span of their time here on earth.
When you zoom out and really look, the humanness of anyone's story will break your heart open. Forgiveness came flooding through me. I sat still for a long time, goosebumps covered my arms and legs.
In the candlelight of my dark bathroom, it became clear to me that these old energetic wounds and ancestral traumas can end with me. I am breaking the chain. The patterns and heaviness are reflecting off of me and dissolving back into the universe. I am honored and grateful that I am strong enough to handle it.
I am also fully aware that my children will certainly have some grievances and "parent issues" as we all seem to find in our later teenage years or beyond. But these enormous burdens of pain, patterns and fear from my lineage have completed their cycles.
What a relief.
If there is one thing I am able to achieve in this lifetime, it is to:
Break and release the ancient pain of the outdated story.
Set myself and my children free from that particular legacy.
Create a life where my family feels safe to be themselves and where all feelings are accepted and honored.
It is the freedom found in forgiving and loving each human in my family for their humanness, as I wish to be forgiven and loved for mine.
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