It's been two weeks since my emergency hospitalization for a posterior sinus hemorrhage and near death experience. Now that I have gleaned a little perspective, I noticed that I have been vacillating between two specific feelings that I think are on opposite ends of the spectrum:
SCARED & SAFE.
It has been quite the ride to be on this pendulum, swinging from one extreme to the other. Moments of exhilaration, realizing I could have died but I didn't. Euphoric feelings of universal conversation and profound connection. Then the other feeling hits me like a golfer teed up with the perfect shot and bam! Anxiety and fear take over and I can hardly form words. Curled up in my bed like a wild animal licking its wounds, trying not to shake off of the planet.
There are many layers to healing from traumatic events. And I'm guessing many others have experienced this phenomenon already. Perhaps you've had a diagnosis that hit you like a ton of bricks. You survived the months or years it took to overcome it and finally reached a clean bill of health. Then what? Do you live in fear of it returning? Are you hyper-vigilant in your observations of your physical body? Are you empowered that you survived it and less afraid of what the future holds, truly knowing how strong you are and how much support you have if you need it? Your faith has been tested and your connection has been strengthened.
Maybe it's a little bit of all of these things.
My spiritual mentor has helped me immeasurably throughout this part of my story. Her wise words yesterday came through with a feeling of soft summer rain after a hot day in the sun. Cooling my overheated brain and helping me return to earth. To summarize, she said that you learn how to be gentle with yourself. You learn how to embrace all of it. You learn that no feeling is wrong. You experienced all of it. And the gentler and more gracious you can be with yourself as you are healing, the stronger and more resilient your spirit and system will grow. That bodies are magic. Complex and mysterious, wondrous and powerful.
Be gentle with you. With your heart, your healing, your body, your life's timeline. Be gentle.
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