For 16 years, my heart has lived in two places at once. Splitting it's time between my original family and familiar forests in the mid-west, and my own small family in the vast grasslands and mountaintops of the Rockies. Approximately 2,000 miles apart, my heart resides in both of these beautiful places.
Younger me
21-year old me didn't know the full impact simply following her dreams would create. She only longed for adventure in the form of expansive wilderness, rugged mountains and ranches filled with endless possibilities. After college graduation, she packed her car as fast as lightening and headed 1500 miles west, following those beautiful dreams.
Younger me didn't know how the wilderness would seep into her veins and enliven her soul like nothing else ever had. Younger me didn't know how hard I would fall in love with aspen groves, river bottoms, the brilliance of pure starlight and a kind-hearted cowboy. Younger me didn't know that the perfume of pine trees would connect her to her surroundings in such a way you'd have to be there to understand. Younger me couldn't have known how long and undulating roads without a single stop light could soothe her soul. Younger me didn't know I was finding and falling in love with my true self. She didn't realize that there was no returning to the one she was before or to the life she had lived up until that point.
She was simply following her heart.
That decision to follow my heart came with a catch: There was no taking it back.
But from my current perspective 16 years wiser, I would tell her this:
You will live a life longing to be in two places at once. It will be full of wild adventures and enormous lessons, beautiful landscapes and enchanting characters. You will stretch and grow and make endless discoveries about life. But your heart will miss your original family more than words can express. Your skin will miss the moisture, your feet the softness of the grass. Your hair will miss the humidity, it's curly nature only showing up on occasion now. Your soul will ache at birthdays and holidays, longing to be in the familiar comforts of your homeland. You will cry your eyes out regularly after receiving photos of your family's gatherings and wonder why you aren't there. Watching your babies grow and knowing your family is missing it will break your heart wide open. You'll send pictures and videos and make plenty of calls. You will second guess your decision repeatedly and try to reassure yourself you made the right one.
Your life will change form and changing is what we are here to do. But it will hurt.
There will be no babysitter who will look into your child's face the way your own mother would do. There will be no one to entrust your babies with as you do your own family.
This comes with a high cost of frequently feeling isolated, exhausted and oftentimes like an outsider. I am getting used to these by now.
There will be no friend that fills the hole in your heart where your sister belongs.
You can stop searching. She is still there.
You will experience the highest of highs when your two worlds collide, coming together for special occasions. Looking back at the photos, it will be evident in your expression. That peaceful look that says "here I belong."
But your home is in the mountains and you know it in your heart. Your husband would dry up and blow away in the busy-ness of life elsewhere. So would you. You've already tried it and it didn't take long to fully understand. Though sometimes late at night you still catch yourself looking at pictures of old red barns, green hills and white farmhouses. Wondering if just maybe it could work. Wondering if your worlds could finally be united and if so, would that deep ache in your soul finally release its grasp?
You already know the answer.
You are right where you belong. Always.
But sometimes it still hurts and sometimes it still gnaws.
It doesn't mean you are doing it wrong.
You will grow stronger than you ever thought possible.
You will begin to believe in yourself and this will increase until you no longer question the quiet small voice of your inner wisdom.
You will learn that you are actually a powerhouse.
You know what you know, no matter if it is deemed rational by the outside world.
Intuition is your connection with the Divine.
It is your friend; it's sole purpose to help you find your way throughout your life.
If this is part of your story, I want you to know that I understand. I feel it, too.
The land where I grew up is in someone else's family now. The old gravel road is paved and too busy to pull a hay wagon down. The town is unrecognizable, storefronts savvy and new. The mom & pop shops long gone. My old friends have moved away and I have been gone so long it doesn't feel like home any longer. But my family is there and that is what I miss.
So I will make my annual treks back east and return west and I will continue this dance until I don't anymore. And it will be ok, for I am doing my best: honoring my dreams and respecting my past. Blending my worlds together in the best way I know how. Forgiving myself for not knowing. Honoring myself for listening to my young, bold heart. And embracing the life which is true, the one that is right now. It is a beautiful journey and one I am honored to be on, even if sometimes it hurts.
To my family of origin: I miss you. And I love you. I can't wait for Lake Michigan.
To the mountains: I love you. I thank you for showing me who I am.
To my sweet family of 4: You are where I belong. I love you all.
To myself, past and present: Keep going. You are doing great. And I love you, too.
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