I woke up early to the sound of rain and my own breathing. The words were stirring so I quietly made my way upstairs to let them out.
Yesterday I heard about a new tragedy that happened in a neighboring town. A teen driver had died in a car accident. I don’t know the family but instantly burst into tears when I heard the news. My son will be taking drivers ed this July and how easily this could strike anyone’s precious family.
Three weeks ago my daughter’s darling friend lost her dad to a sudden heart attack. My family attended the memorial service and listened to the stories about his full and vibrant life. He ran his own building company and his family described the feeling of knowing they would never again hear his truck and trailer bumping down the road after work, so familiar and expected for so long.
I am keenly aware of the parallels between our two families and every time for the past three weeks I have said an extra prayer of gratitude when I hear my husband’s truck and trailer pulling up the hill to our house.
But the thought creeps in:
Someday will this be part of my story, too?
At Christmas my beautiful new mother-in-law unexpectedly passed away while driving an ATV in the Wyoming fields of her home. She was celebrating Christmas, the winter light, the majestic herd of horses and her family being together for the holidays.
In an instant she was gone.
Some things I will never understand.
Lately when my kids ask to drive our ATV my heart races every time. I try not to instill fear into my budding, adventurous teens but to be honest my anxiety levels are incredibly high. And for good reason.
I keep hearing let it change you. Let the heartbreak move you. Let it open your heart even further.
How do we live with the gnawing reality that someday this all ends? Everything will continue to change in unexpected, unpredictable ways as is the natural way of life on this planet. And the truth is that we have limited time here. So how do we move through life without getting knocked down by the paralyzing effects of fear?
Some will tell me the answer is faith. Some will say you don’t know how strong you are until you are faced with the unthinkable. Others will tell me to enjoy every moment. That the key is presence. Others may medicate, finding the anxiety unbearable. Some will distract, avoid, ignore. Busily preoccupied with less painful or stirring thoughts. But eventually we all have to face the end of our existence as we know it to be here on earth.
I think it’s a mixture of all of those things.
The reality is that no one really knows.
No one has the exact answer or ability to comprehend the intricate workings of the universe. Sometimes I wish I could understand. I wish I could avoid the pain that I know is coming. For being open to love makes you vulnerable to heartbreak. It is a component of being human. But sometimes I am so afraid. Overwhelming afraid.
They say being human is the hardest thing a soul can do and I believe it. And I also believe being human is one of the most beautiful, expansive, growth inspiring things we can do. We came here on purpose.
I wish humanity could see how we are all so deeply connected. United in our frailty and in the mysterious ways of this world. Blanketed under the same blue sky. Saying prayers for our families as we wash the dishes. Questioning the finality of death while grieving our loved ones. Tending to our children, anticipating their futures, hoping to help them navigate life’s obstacles. We are all part of the same family. We feel the same fears. We face the same fate. If only we could live our lives from this place of connection. Full of compassion and gentleness. Full of awe and wonder for the astonishing experience of being alive. Full of honor for one another’s bravery for being here. For being human.
Full of love for everyone.
What a wonderful world this would be.
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