This morning I woke up early. Something I haven't been doing for many months now. The dark sky was inviting as I made my tea and quietly opened the screen door. Curled up in a big fuzzy blanket with a gentle breeze in my hair, I laid back to stare at the sky. Shooting star after shooting star whizzed by and I smiled each time. After a good long while, a familiar voice began to speak to me. Here is our conversation.
Let’s look at that beautiful heart of yours
I see a layer of fear around it that is ready to be released
It's just waiting for you to let it go
What if you unwrapped the fear?
What is it serving?
Protection
How’s that?
Well if I am afraid and therefore plan and predict, then I am not a fool
Tell me about being a fool
Well if I trust others/life and something bad happens then it’s my fault for trusting and believing
But you can’t predict everything
I can try - then I would have at least tried
What if you didn’t try?
Then I’ve failed
Failed who?
My dad
Your dad has passed on
This underlying fear pattern is an old program and is no longer about your dad
It's about you
Are you afraid that you won’t love yourself if you trust instead of worry and then have to deal with the outcomes?
Yes, exactly. I am afraid I won’t be able to forgive myself if something bad happens. It feels unsafe and irresponsible to simply trust
What if it wasn’t up to you - you know, the outcome of life?
What if you were safe to try things and safe no matter what happens?
What then?
Well, then, I suppose I would be free. Is it time now?
It is time.
Create safety within you for you
Become your own soft place to fall
Release the fear wrapping your heart and warping your reality
See your tender young self trying so hard to be good
Given the information and situations that were present at the time
That little version of you who was trying to do it right
Ask yourself this: What if there is no "right" way?
What if we all are here to learn exactly what we need to learn?
What if you can’t control it no matter how hard you might try?
Can you free your heart?
Trust life?
Love yourself?
IT IS TIME.
Here is an example of the fear programming I absorbed from my dad:
"People only call when they want something from you," He oftentimes had said.
How I would respond now "That’s not my experience or intention, Papa.
I call you just because I love you."
Our family patterns run deep but it is incredibly freeing to realize that you can release these old ways. Life can feel different. You can be free.
Something to try:
A really eye opening practice can be to write down a conversation between you and your higher self like I did here. Get a piece of paper and a pen and find a quiet place. You can draw a line down the middle of the paper to make it easier to organize. Ask if your higher self would be open to a conversation and if yes, the just let it flow. You might be surprised just how beneficial this practice might be for your healing, too. I have loved it and is now a normal part of my life. Cheers to healing oneself!
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